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anger management for assholes
anger management for assholes sent to me from one of mysocial workers....yikes! When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. The other day I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Dick. Could I please speak with Chuck?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Chuck's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with Chuck, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program." He yelled, "No!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought That I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Boulevard. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, a yellow house with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are....." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd. and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Mowbray Blvd. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works..... You cannot conceive the many without the one. |
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7/2/2007 11:07 pm |
too funny!! There are people I would know who would do this!! THAT's scary!! "All you'll get from strangers is surface pleasantry or indifference. Only someone who loves you will criticize you." - Judith Crist, crack film critic
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when ever I get an address of an asshole, I stop in at Boarders Books and visit the magazine section. I take the hundreds of little subscription cards home and fill them all out checking the bill me box............a few years ago when I found out I had a sex offender and his wife living next door, I confronted them and was told a wild story about their friends 15 years daughter seducing him as he slept..blah blah blah...A couple weeks later his new subscription to 17 showed up and I could hear her screaming at him, which made me feel like superman only without the cape...they moved out a few days later and I really felt good about it. “I am not a teacher, but an awakener” Robert Frost
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*giggles*...
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thank you, spank you very much “I am not a teacher, but an awakener” Robert Frost
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7/3/2007 12:23 pm |
Just what a skier needs on the day before the 4th...thanks.
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7/3/2007 1:45 pm |
Brilliant. There is no better way to handle a couple of assholes.
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Ah, life before everyone had caller ID was so much more fun
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7/7/2007 8:53 am |
rofl lmao dam i fell out of the chair lmao,,, the funny thing is i could see you doing that for real winks and pinches bum
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I posted this post months ago....what's your number? I'm coming after ya!
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