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This blog contains content not approved for consumption by children, senators, religious leaders and/or other easily damaged psyches, those seeking to enhance or establish political careers and/or possessed of delusions of grandeur. If accidentally exposed, flush eyes with cold water and induce vomiting. If irritation persists, sit quietly and watch PBS. Not for internal use. This blog and its related post's are GUARANTEED not to make you go blind, masturbate (and THEN go blind), become a social liability, induce you to act out atrocities that you would otherwise never indulge in, or burn eternally in hell. Mccartney2003 accepts NO responsibility for any and all random acts of stupidity or violence committed by losers who may blame popular blogs and/or sugary snack foods for causing their inherent basic lack of control. You're on your own. Thank you and good night.
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Sugar Daddy
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Posted:Jul 23, 2005 11:09 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2148 Views
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Have you ever gone to buy a candy bar out of the snack machine and done that thing? You know, that one thing? Where you put your money in, fully intending to buy a Kit Kat or a Snickers or something, but then, just as you go to press the buttons, you suddenly feel kind of sorry for the unpopular candy bars, like the Big Hunk or the Bit-O-Honey? So then, in an impulsive fit of sympathy, you actually wind up buying one of the often overlooked treats? And a few moments later you're, like, standing there, masticating your Payday and wondering what the hell got into you, why on earth you found yourself inexplicably rooting for an inert hunk of milk chocolate and caramel?
Never? That's never happened to you? What, you mean not even once?
Well uh, yeah, of course that's stupid. That's what I'm saying. What? No. No, of course I've never done that, ha! No, this was strictly a, whatayacallit, a hypothetical. I mean, I've heard of some people, some stupid people, doing that, but not, you know, me personally.
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America's Favorite Snack Just Got Favoriter!
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Posted:Jul 23, 2005 11:04 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
1870 Views
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This summer, people across the nation thrilled to the taste-sensation of the Deep-Fried Twinkie. But that fad is so last-June. Americans want something newer, something bigger, something that takes deep-frying to the edge and then over the edge and then across a verdant meadow and right up to a second, edgier edge. That's why Bloggerpost Industries (a corporation of Mccartney2003 Foods and Lockheed Martin Aeronautics) is pleased to introduce Deep-Fried Deep-Fried Twinkies!
Bloggerpost Industries revolutionary secret process is to take a traditional deep-fried Twinkie and deep-fry it, adding a patented second layer of oil and batter to this already delicious, nutrient-free treat! You'd have to eat 730 bowls of Total to get the same caloric content as a single Deep-Fried Deep-Fried Twinkie-- that's enough energy to power your SUV to the moon ... and back! But don't just take our word for it: "American Glutton Monthly" ranked the Deep-Fried Deep-Fried Twinkie #4 in their 2002 "Excellence In Corpulence" issue! And "Eating Well" magazine called it "an abhorrence"! So drive, don't run, to your nearest county fair, and experience all the seizure-inducing excitement this fat-tactular snack has to offer! Deep-Fried Deep-Fried Twinkies It's like Armageddon ... For Your Mouth!
And Coming Soon from Bloggerpost Industries: • Chocolate-Covered Deep-Fried Deep-Fried Twinkies • Pork-Flavored Chocolate-Covered Deep-Fried Deep-Fried Twinkies • Deep-Fried Pork-Flavored Chocolate-Covered Deep-Fried Deep-Fried Twinkies
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Come to Texas!
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Posted:Jul 23, 2005 9:02 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3134 Views
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I know everyone see's those tv ad's that promote other states while sitting in the comfort of their own home eating a tv dinner in let's say....Delaware. I've been thru many states and seen ad's for Texas trying to promote the Lone star state and all there is to do down here. There's nothing bad about the state. Great shopping, alot to do, great music and culture. It's a melting pot of nationalitys down here and we have a deep history that go's back to Spanish colonial times that often in some areas pre-dates the East coast. Most people forget that the Spanish were all thru Texas and the southwest before the Mayflower, ect, ect. Anyhow as a friendly member of the Lone star state born and raised here. I thought it would be friendly to advise those from out of town about some of our laws that we have down here
Randon Texas laws.........
One must acknowledge a supreme being before being able to hold public office.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
It is illegal to milk another person's cow. it's also illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow and it is still a "hanging offense" to steal cattle.
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. In a "true facts" books there was an explanation for this law. It seems that one of the state senators did not want a law passed. To keep this particular law from passing, he attached the train law to it. He hoped that his fellow senators would discover the train law attached, see how ridiculous it was, and not pass the laws. Nobody saw the the train law attached and passed both laws.
It is illegal to curse in front of or indecently expose a corpse.
As late as 1932, jail-breaking in Texas was not a crime if the prisoner escaped without using a gun.
In Texas, sixteen-year old divorced girls are prohibited from talking about sex during high school extracurricular activities.
It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
A recently passed anti-crime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and explain to the nature of the crime about to be committed. (This one ought to make you feel safe)
Using a firearm to fish is strictly forbidden. It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
Dynamite is not to be used to catch fish.
Though you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, but a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land.
It is illegal to ride a while under the influence.
For $150 you can become a licensed dead animal hauler in Texas.
Fifty years ago, you could have been jailed for giving out or discussing information on birth control.
It is illegal to spit on the sidewalk.
In Texas, pharmacists can't be registered members of the Communist Party
Texas's official dance is the square dance.
The official dish of Texas is chili.
Rodeo is the official state sport of Texas.
The Bluebonnet is the official song of the state flower.
Speaking of bluebonnet's don't pick one of the many growing on the side of the highway, it's the state flower and picking one brings a heavy fine.
The Texas Flag is the only flag that can be flown at the same height as the United States Flag. Every other state flag must be flown below the US Flag.
For the handyman while in Texas.... In Texas, it's against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession. And for those feeling frisky while in Texas.....
In Texas, two categories of men are exempt from peeping tom charges: men over 50 and men with only one eye.
Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.
It's legal for a chicken to have sex with you, but it's illegal to reciprocate.
No one other than a "registered pharmacist" may sell condoms or other kinds of contraceptives "on the streets or other public places." No, not even physicians. Anyone who tries to make a few extra bucks doing this will be severely prosecuted for the dire act of "unlawfully practicing medicine."
In the state of Texas it is a misdemeanor if two men engage in oral and or anal sex and is considered sodomy. The same law does not apply to men and women engaging in the same activity with each other.
You can be legally married by publicly introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.
Also here are some wonderful local laws for those who just might find themselves in these towns. Just a head's up.
Abilene It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
Alamo A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine., A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
Austin Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.
Beaumont Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.
Borger It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.
Clarendon It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
Corpus Christie it is illegal to raise alligators in your home.
Dallas It's illegal to possess realistic dildos.
Denton It is against the law to fish from horseback
El Paso Urinating on the streets is illegal. ,Appearing in public places wearing a "lewd dress" is prohibited. ,Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."
Galveston Landing an airplane on the beach is illegal., No person shall inhale fumes from model glue. ,Any person who sits on a sidewalk may be fined up to $500. , It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays. , ?Offensive gestures? will not be tolerated at any special event. , Bicycles must be operated at a "reasonable speed"., One needs permission from the director of parks and recreation before getting drunk in any city park. ,No person shall throw trash from an airplane.
Harker Heights No person amy disturb a church service by swearing. , Drivers of city vehicles must respect all traffic rules just like the rest of us.
Houston Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday., It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
Jasper Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars.
Kingsville there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
Lubbock It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream.
Mesquite: It is illegal for to have unusual haircuts
Odessa the star of David and the peace symbol are forbidden by the city's dress code because they are considered to be Satanic symbols.
Port Arthur Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.
Richardson It is illegal to do "U Turns"., It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street.
San Antonio In San Antonio, it is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands., It is against the law to litter or do anything "unsanctimoniously" at the Alamo.
Temple Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot., You can ride your in the saloon., No one may ride a and buggy through the town square.
Texarkana Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.
Wise County It is Illegal to transport more than one case of beer across county lines in a moving automobile as you will be in the act of bootlegging.
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Going postal.
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Posted:Jul 22, 2005 11:02 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2254 Views
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Ok I bought a copy of the game postal 2 back in 2003. Wonderful game for most folks. Others would hate it. I played and beat the game about a dozen times. Took it off my computer to save space and forgot about it. Time passed and word came out that a brand new expansion pack was coming out for it. I pre-ordered the expansion pack back in 2003. Come christmas time it got put back to mid 2004. Mid 2004 it got canned again. They said expect it for the christmas season 2004. Christmas time was there again and crap. Held back to june 2005. At last as June rolled around my copy that I had paid for and pre-ordered in 2003 was in at last! I was drooling! It was all the built up excitment from thinking what all crazy adventures the postal dude was going to be going thru next that had me foaming at the mouth. I read the readme for the game. "Requires an installed copy of Postal 2 or Postal 2 share the pain to run" No problem I am thinking. Easy cheesy it's on my computer desk protected by a thin layer of dust....
I go to the computer room....Alas..... *Gasp*
It's not there.....
I search thru the desk throwing things left and right....
Empty handed..
The month of June passes, the entire house has been searched, no stone left un turned....
I give up around July 14th. I can't find it anywhere and then while sitting down to have a tea party with my she comes to serve me invisible muffins on a plate....
A plate that looks like something I've seen before.....
Could it be?
Yes! I think! This is it! The holy grail of my games!
Throwing aside the invisible muffins to the shock of my I lift it up and look at it in the light excited and elated to of found my lost game!
I gleefully turn it over to see the marks where ainvisible muffins had been made just that morning or over many mornings on my very game....
No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alas.....
Sitting back and drinking a invisible shot of laced invisible tea I sigh and venture off to the internet to search for another copy of this game.
All the big name game stores all laugh at my phone calls... What? Postal 2? Dude they have not made that in forever! That's like, old. I search e-bay and see a copy going for 53 dollars.
Amazon is even a worse story....
So if anyone out there, knows where to find a cheap copy of this game I will gladly reward you the best that I can within reason if someone could help me to secure this long lost game. As I sit now at the computer the brand new expansion pack taunts me sitting there unplayed. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
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Only in Texas.........
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Posted:Jul 22, 2005 10:38 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2161 Views
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Guys sitting behind me on the bus this week while going to El Centro:
Guy 1: I hate that guy Alec. Guy 2: He's a dick. Guy 1: No kidding. [Pause] I did his girlfriend. Right after they broke up. Whatshername. Guy 2: Which one? The blond one? Guy 1: No, the other one. Whatshername. The one with the big tattoo. What was her name? Guy 2: The tattoo on her belly? Oh yeah, I did her too. What was her name? Guy 1: I can't remember. But she was wild. Guy 2: She was totally wild. She stole my truck once. Shit, what was her name?
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Confession
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Posted:Jul 22, 2005 10:32 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2114 Views
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Tonight for dinner I ate both pasta and antipasta. When they collided in my stomach it set off a chain reaction that annihilated the universe.
So if you were wondering who had done that .. yeah, it was me. Sorry everyone. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again.
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Diamonds out of the dead?
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Posted:Jul 22, 2005 10:29 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2186 Views
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I was surfing the web when I came across the most strange website I have ever seen. I never thought anyone did stuff like this. Apparently there's a company that will take the ashes of your deceased loved-one and turn them into a diamond. That's a great idea! But the prices are outrageous: ten grand for only three-fourths of a caret.
Why so much? Is it because it's expensive to generate the pressure needed to squeeze a gem out of carbon-based ashes? If so, they should offer a cheaper option for regular folks like you and I: pay for a lower PSI and turn your deceased loved-one's ashes into a charcoal briquette! Heck, that would be better than a diamond, because you could put the final product to good use.
Neil: Awesome barbecue, dude. These bratwurst are killer.
Carl: The secret is in the Uncle Milton.
And for real cheapskates, they could just stuff your loved-one's ashes into a snowglobe for keepsaking. They should make custom snowglobes, with landscapes in the bottom and Dead Guy Ashes in the air. Why drop Grandpa Willie over the mountains once, when, with a daily shake, you can scatter his ashes over them day after day after day?
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""
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Posted:Jul 22, 2005 10:21 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
1919 Views
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Want to "" with your friends for two hours, but don't want to pay for a full-price movie ticket? Here's a helpful ¢ent $aver Tip: many theaters offer "matinee" showings earlier in the day at a reduced cost, allowing you to talk with your buddies for as little as $5. You could even rent a movie and chat in the comfort of your very own home. And although it's not widely known, it's even possible to carry on a two-hour conversation without a movie playing in the background! Next time, try going to a Starbucks or strolling through a local park and talking there --not only will you save the eight dollars you would have spent on a ticket to The Island, but you'll also spare me the trouble of having to glare at you every ten minutes, you fuc*ing jackass! Now that's an idea that makes ¢ents!
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Headaches anyone got a cure? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Posted:Jul 21, 2005 2:43 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2223 Views
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Fuc*ing headaches. This headache is going for the god*amn record, clocking up at almost two days straight of headachy goodness. You know how when you have a headache, all you can think about is your headache?
"How are you?" "I have a headache."
"Will you go out with me?" "I have a headache."
"CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'VE JUST WON 25 MILLION DOLLARS AND YOUR VERY OWN PACIFIC ISLAND!" "I have a headache."
I did not sleep last night because of my headache. All the hydrocodone in the world cannot cure this headache. HEADACHE HEADACHE HEADACHE HEADACHE.
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A gripe for today about fast food.
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Posted:Jul 21, 2005 2:36 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
1909 Views
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McDonalds. I'm pissed at friggin' McDonalds. They bring out this new thing, "The Fruit and Walnut Salad" and THEN they don't put the walnuts in the bag. The walnuts are half the salad. They're in the name for cripes sake. They're the best part of the salad; these little bits of candied goodness. Without the walnuts the whole thing is incomplete. Without the walnuts it is a "Fruit and Screw You, You Get No Walnuts Salad." What has McDonalds come to? If I order a cheeseburger, will I get the "HAHA FATTY! Quit messin' with all the cheese burger?" And if I complain I'm sure that the next time I order, I'll get "The Fruit, Spit, and screw you, you get no walnuts salad." Friggin' McDonalds.
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Dental Insurance another daily adventure!
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Posted:Jul 21, 2005 2:31 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
1834 Views
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Dental Insurance, Have you ever tried to get an answer ahead of time from one of them as to how much they'll actually cover of some excruciatingly painful and ridiculously expensive procedure? And then they make you feel like you're some kind of spoiled brat by wanting to go to a dentist who graduated from an AMERICAN dental school. "You could get that root canal done much cheaper if you'd just deign to visit Dr. Rusty Drillbit who graduated in the top three-quarters of his class from Tijuana Teeth and Gum Escuela." Dental insurance: the assclown's handmaiden.
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BLUR SUX!!!
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Posted:Jul 19, 2005 10:35 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
2065 Views
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I was surfing the net and saw that they sent a rocket to space with a bunch of Earth crap on it for aliens to find, including some music and stuff. And do you know CD they put in there? Not Godsmack, not Staind, not P.O.D., but some guys called Blur. WHO THE HELL IS BLUR??!!! you ask. That's what I said! So I snagged some mp3s off that wonderful neww apple computers program and tried to listen to them and it nearly killed me!!! It was like listening to old people music like Simon and Garfield or whatever! And we sent this to Mars??!! Why not just put up a big sign that says "Hello Martians, we are a bunch of total looser brit-pop-listening posers so come on down and invade and we if anyone tries to fight back we'll just go march in an anti-war protest" or something!!
We should have sent up New Deftones or Linkin Park and then the martians would be all, like "holy sh*t, dude, don't f*ck with Earth cuz those guys sound totally bad-a*s!!!" And we should put a Starship Troopers (best movie ever) DVD in there to show the aliens how we'll kick their insect-a*s if they try anything or get all up in our face or whatever.
What? Blur did that "Woohoo!" song in the Starship Troopers trailer??!! No way, seriously? That song was pretty cool. But you know what was really cool about Starship Troopers? The way they had only one locker room for both guys and chicks and all those hotties were like stripping down in front of everybody. That f*ckin ruled.
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Great Ideas A Go Go
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Posted:Jul 19, 2005 10:25 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
1951 Views
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Here are some Million Dollar Ideas I have come up with recently but am too lazy to do anything with.
Combination Cell Phone / Electric Shaver: Now men on their way to work can engage in two of the most dangerous while-driving activities at the same time! Woo!
Caffinated Pens: If instinct is going to impel me to chew them, I might as well get a buzz.
Hummus Deodorant: I loves me some hummus, but I am disinclined to eat anything that smells like hippie. That's where Hummus Deodorant would enter the equation. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a traditional Middle-Eastern spread."
Condensed Movies For Old People: If there's one thing old people like, it's condensed stuff. Well, okay: if there's only one thing old people like it's buffet-style restaurants, granted, but if there's two things old people like it's buffet-style restaurants and condensed stuff. Digests full of condensed magazine articles. Books full of condensed novels. Condensed milk. So they should make condensed movies for old people. Condensed movies would be just like full-length movies except two minutes long. They would contain all the best special effects, action sequences, and jokes from the film, and a voiceover would give a quick summary of the plot. ("In a world ... full of violence ... one man lives on both sides of the law ..."). They could show maybe seven or eight condensed movies before the feature presentation. Best of all, theaters wouldn't have to make any changes, since modern "teasers" pretty much show you the entire film already. Narrator: ... and you'll never guess the shocking finale!
Female Lead In Film: I can't believe that you, my husband, are the murderer!
Male Lead In Film: It's true. And look, here comes our dog, the one we thought was killed in the first half an hour of the movie!
Female Lead In Movie: I am a man.
All theaters would really have to do is (a) start charging old people $8 to see the trailers and then (b) roust them from the cinema before the actual film starts so that they can go to Lubys instead of sitting behind me and hollering "WHAT DID HE SAY?!" to each other after every line of dialog. Win-win!
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